Something that has really been on my mind lately is how during this whole journey so far, I'm slowly working through all the negative talk I've ever heard in my life that's been directed towards me either by others or by myself.
I am a person that is extremely hard on myself, not sure if this is just who I am or if this is just how I was raised. I am not one to celebrate my accomplishments much or even give myself any credit to even think that I accomplished anything that anyone else couldn't do too. It's like nothing is ever good enough or praise worthy and so we just move on. These very thoughts have been with me on several of my runs lately and I literally fight against them and very loudly in my head praise myself for what I am doing and how far I have come. This journey has not been easy. No run is easy and working up to the distance I am at now has taken me a while to get there but I've gotten there. And some of the toughest battles were the battles going on in my own head fighting against all the negative comments I've ever been told in my life or that I've told myself.
Lately I've heard from a few people some negative comments in different areas of my life that it was like they were telling me to settle.
Oh 90lbs is too much to lose, your setting your goals too high...
If running 3 miles is too hard, then don't go so far
You'll be too skinny at your goal weight
(this one cracks me up because my goal weight is what I was my junior year of high school and I was made to feel like I was fat back then but this same person. Yeah that was hard to hear....instant tears actually is what that does to me. Lots of pain there.)
I don't think people realize what is coming out of their mouth when they say things like this. Like I have told many people in my jewelry business...people will try to burst your dream before it has even begun because they either don't have a dream themselves they are working towards or have given up on their own dream and don't want to see someone else succeed. And it doesn't matter what area of your life you look at it...you'll always get that negative talk.
All my life I've battled negative talk. Not until in my 20s did I really know what true encouragement was or even felt like. And even though it is very tough to take...I've somehow always been either able to "fake" confidence (fake it till you make it right) or some how I have an inner strength that has gotten me to where I am today and still be a decent human person...at least I think I am.
I get embarrassed by patting myself on the back or having too much attention drawn to myself...I'd rather just hide quite honestly. But here in my little blog world for all I know I'm just writing to myself and I'm going to pat myself on the back!
I've fought against some of the most challenging things thrown at me in just my 29 years of life and I'm still standing on my two feet thanks to some amazing family members who were there when I needed them, friends who were always supportive of me and helped me see the good in myself and my own abilities that I couldn't see yet and still struggle with and my beautiful amazing daughter who I consider my guardian angel. To you guys...you hopefully know who you are....Thank you! You have helped bring out the inner strength in myself and help me fight against the negatives I've always heard about myself. Without you...I'm a little afraid to think about where I might be today without you.
And to those of you who feel the need to rain on my parade, tell me to not shoot for the stars, or that it's ok if I don't reach my goal.....THANK YOU!
Yes truly...thank you. Because of your negative comments...when I'm out on a run and feel like quitting...I think of you. And I get MAD!
Mad at being told I can't do something that someone my same age, height, gender etc etc can do.
Mad at being told I shouldn't be as skinny as my other family members are...because for some reason..that's too skinny on me.
Mad at being made to feel I have to always be the fat one.
Mad that in the mist of succeeding at my goals....I get told to make it easier.
Mad because I deserve better than that!! I deserve support and to be pushed to my best and not just mediocre!
But all this anger that some will probably think is unhealthy....is actually what pushes me to go that much further and harder and it'll make me succeed one way or the other.
To those that Miss H has told "Mommy is a runner!!" to and they laugh and go "no she isn't"....HAHAHAHAHA! I plan on running a 5k in your town...very soon! :) This is where my competitiveness comes out...love it! ha!
I AM capable of losing 90lbs...I've lost 30...I can lose the rest!
I AM capable of running 3 miles and even more and I'll show you I can!
I deserve to be a HEALTHY ME where ever that is and it not matter how skinny that is! My goal is not to be skinny...it's to be healthy for myself and for Miss H! She deserves a healthy mom.
So to all of the positive and negative comments I have received and I'm sure there will be more, sincerely,
You are giving me motivation and to either KEEP SUCCEEDING or to PROVE YOU WRONG that I WILL SUCCEED!!!
Running has been some great therapy and it'll only get better and I'll only get stronger!
I'm outta here and going for a run....see ya in 3 miles baby!