Loving Yourself Enough

If you have been reading my blog for a long period of time now or have read back far enough you will know that I am a survivor of domestic violence.  Some may say I'm a victim but I refuse to call myself that....it almost sounds like a dirty word to me.  Almost like being a victim means that the abuse is still going on...and it's not...because I survived to make a change.  A HUGE change that I pray every day will positively impact my daughter's life so that she knows better to even put up with the signs up initial abuse. 

I think my story probably starts like a lot of young girls....you find a guy...you think he's the world...you have so much fun together....you fall in love....and then he calls you a bitch. 

And then the excuses come...

Oh he was just drunk...he didn't mean it. 

The next day he says he's sorry and he loves me. 

It's all ok. 

Fast forward and next thing you know that little thing of him being ok calling you such a bad name...turns into grabbing your neck when you won't shut up. 

And when you finally have had enough and can't take it anymore and decide to stand up for yourself and his behavior...that's when reality hits.  Some times literally...your being thrown to the floor, phones are being broken so you can't call for help, etc etc. 

I know my story isn't as bad as many women's stories are of those who have experienced domestic violence and I can't even imagine what it must be like to go through something worse. 

I walked away with just bruises on my arms and a few scratches and was physically sore for a few days....but what happened to me emotionally took a toll that will forever be with me.  Some may say that it's a bad thing...but I look at it as something that woke me up, woke up a fire inside of me to stand up for myself. 

Something inside said I am worth it!  Being called names and not being respected....are NEVER ok. 

And you know what...the abusers know what they are doing.  My abuser once admitted to me "I know you aren't as weak as you once were and I can't get to you anymore" 

Whaaa?? 

WOW! 

The person I was just over 6 years ago...I honestly don't really know who that Sarah was.  I think if I saw that Sarah across the street or even in the mirror I wouldn't recognize her.  It makes me sad for who that Sarah was and how she didn't view herself being worth everything in this world and deserving the best that can be offered to her.  It makes me sad that, that Sarah didn't fight to deserve the best....somehow abusive behavior was....normal or ok to her.  Some how she was desensitized to abusive behavior to where it isn't a big deal. 

If you know me personally or if I've ever talked about any of this....you probably have heard me say....Miss H was my guardian angel sent down from heaven to wake me up. 

Yes I got pregnant out of wedlock.  Am I proud of that...no.  But would I take it back?  Absolutely not. 

It was the thing that I needed to happen to prevent me from marrying an abusive man and one day waking up and realizing it and being stuck in an abusive marriage.   I may have been too weak to stand up for myself...but what I wasn't weak about was my family, my daughter and the life I wanted her to have. 

I put up with her dad for 22 months...but once she was born, I only put up with him for 5 1/2 months.  

She is my guardian angel. 

Somehow my daughter, taught me to love myself.  Somehow it finally made sense that if I didn't take care of myself, I would never be able to take care of her. 

Slowly over the years...I've healed and become a much stronger woman that I ever thought I could be.  I know I'm worth it! 

I told myself I would never NEED a man ever again.  If I would ever let a man in my life again...it would be because I WANT him there...not because I NEED him. 

I told myself after I left, that I wouldn't date anyone until I knew I was ok being by myself, and I didn't, it took me well over a year until I was secure enough in myself to be ok being alone. 

All I need in life is God and my daughter and I have all I could ever imagine. 

Sometimes I think that's where us women get into trouble is when we are not confident to be on our own and know that we CAN DO IT!  It won't be easy...I'll tell ya that...but man, is it worth it! 

NOTHING is worth taking the emotional, mental and physical abuse.  N-O-T-H-I-N-G! 

Funny thing about abusive people....they don't just come out and BAM smack you around...it always starts small...and grows from there.  

So love yourself enough to stand up to someone calling you names, making derogatory hand motions and not being respected the way you should be.  Teach your children that those things are NEVER ok.  Sometimes in today's society somethings start to become normal and ok...but they really aren't. 

Somethings should NEVER be a joke....because sometimes a joke can lead to a serious abusive behavior. 

And no matter what....YOU are worth it!  Your children are worth it and they deserve to see a mom who can stand up for what is right.  And if you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for your children and that you NEVER want them to see abusive behavior as "normal."