A Letter to my Twenties

Dear Twenty Something Sarah,

Happy 20th Birthday Sarah!  You are a freshman in college and have just completed your first year.  You are slowly but surely coming out of your shell and becoming ok with who you are and soon you'll realize that people will actually love and enjoy being around the true Sarah.  Enjoy it! 

Happy 21st Birthday Sarah!  I am slightly disappointed in how you celebrated your 21st birthday.  You didn't get drunk!!  No keg parties, no keg stands....just a few college friends, your BFF and dinner and your first legal beer at BW3s a block from college.  Girl you need to lighten up!  Stop worrying about what people think of you and BE YOU!!!  You don't always have to be so mature and put together.  It is ok to mess up and make mistakes!!!  Eventually during this year you will be a guy who you think is amazing and can't believe that you may have actually met "the one".  Girlfriend...you need to learn to stand up for yourself.  NO MAN is ever worth putting yourself second before him.  YOU are Worth GOLD Sarah!!  Believe in yourself and have confidence in who you are, don't you let anyone put out the light that is inside your smile. 

Happy 22nd Birthday Sarah!!  Girlfriend you are in for a rough year, put your big girl panties on and get ready.  You are going to become a mom in this next year.  Yeah, that's big and it's going to scare you to death and you have no idea how  you are going to do it but somehow that strength that you have inside of you starts to slowly show up because you handle a lot in this year.  Being an unwed mom is not fun, the stares, the questions, being left out of college parties, your boyfriend doesn't take a ton of interest in how any of this effects you but he's trying.  You will doubt your self worth more than anything during this next year and I am so sorry about this but I promise you will get through it.  You will be called some horrible things but you'll be surprised by those that stand beside you and give you a hug and say it'll be ok.  Don't let those that put you down put out the light inside you, fight for it every day because you have a little girl who will depend on that light!  Yes you are having a girl, not a boy named Alex like you swore you would! 

Happy 23rd Birthday Sarah!! This is another hard birthday.  Reality just keeps hitting you in the face and you realize on this birthday you will give up a lot because you are a mom at such a young age.  This is the night that you should be out bar-hopping with all your college friends getting crazy and celebrating your Senior Year at UD.  Instead you sit and rock your baby girl as you cry about the road you see your life heading down.  You've always grown up too fast and you are still doing that.  It's ok to cry about this.  It's hard I know, you now have diapers and feeding schedules and how to teach Miss H to eat cereal when your friends are going to happy hours and dates and living the life outside of college.  This is another rough year for you but once again you make it through.  You are strong and remember that!!!  Stand up for yourself and when you can't, look at your baby girl.  She WILL give you the strength that you need to leave her daddy and go down another path of being a young single parent.  You will once again become embarrassed by certain events, but those events will make you stand up for yourself and cut ties with people that it should have happened a long time ago.  These moments really open up that fire inside of you to fight for what is right and the future you know you can give your daughter.  Just remember you WILL be ok!!

Happy 24th and 25th Birthday Sarah!!  Girl I hate to tell you but these are going to be the years you practically have tears stained on your face every weekend.  You move out on your own with Miss H and you promise yourself that you will not date anyone until you know you don't need a man to be happy.  It takes you a long time, about a good year and a half until you know you are ready.  Along this time you struggle with what else comes with being a single parent and that is visitation with the other parent and being separated from your baby girl and having to learn to let go of control and just pray that God will take care of her and keep her safe while she is away from you.  However, you meet an amazing man this year, who will teach you a lot about respecting yourself and he will become a friend for life even after you guys decide it isn't going to work.  Miss H will adore him forever and he will keep his promise of being a great example in her life. 

Happy 26th Birthday Sarah!!!  Congrats you have just been laid off from work after a long hard tax season.  You once again cry yourself to sleep so many nights scared to death how you are going to make it.  But fortunately, God really shows up this year and things start to look up.  You find a new job where you are appreciated and you learn to enjoy the small things with your daughter again and stop resenting the hard times.  You teach yourself what it means to dance in your bedroom singing with a hairbrush.  Oh and by the way...you are becoming an awesome mom!  You are so good at creating memories with Miss H and I promise she will remember them even when she is 7 years old.  Your daughter is strong because you show her how to be.  You fight for her and she may not realize it but just a few years down the road, she knows mom is on her team! 

Happy 27th - 29th Birthday Sarah!!!  You have really found Sarah inside.  Strangers now get to see the real Sarah, not the shy quiet and reserved one.  You are fooling no one anymore, they all know your giggle and appreciate your smile.  Your opinion is looked upon from others and you have no idea why.  But continue to fight for the real Sarah to shine!  It will bring some amazing new friends into your life and those will be the friends that will be there for you no matter what.  You have also become a true soccer mom!  You coach soccer one year even though you have no idea what you are doing but you enjoy it!  You are involved in Miss H's school and you know her teachers well and they know you.  You will be shocked at some of the things that people say and do to you at times, but move on.  It's not worth your time or energy...you are stronger and you know what is right in your heart...listen to that!  Also....you'll be shocked to know this...but you become a runner in your 29th year!!  Yes!!! It is so exciting and you can't believe what you can do!!!  I told you that the light inside of you was stronger than you knew and your heart is stronger than it leads on.  You also will have to make some tough decisions this year but you do it with grace and maturity.  You have definitely learned that you are worth more than to settle for things in life  You also experience becoming an Aunt not once but three times during these years.  Those little boys have a huge part in  your heart and you're amazed at how much you can love your sister's children.  Please, remember this one thing and never forget it because you often don't give yourself any credit for it.....YOU are one AMAZING MOM!!!!  You try harder than anyone and the stress you put on yourself is crazy but it pays off.  How so???  You'll see it in Miss H...just wait and see, you'll know when you can tell that your hard work is starting to show through her. 

Happy 30th Birthday Sarah!! 
Here we are about to turn 30 years old and we have accomplished a lot!  Girl you have been through hell and back and sometimes back again.  You have made a lot of mistakes along the way, you've had self doubt and had to fight through the consequences of that but we know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  You have the best daughter anyone could ever ask for who makes your heart smile in ways you didn't know it could.  Also, your best friend from 8th grade is still standing with you!  She is definitely your sister from another mother.  Let go of your 20s Sarah and move on to the 30s, you've made it this far and God only knows what they will bring but you KNOW you can handle it!!!  Be yourself, love yourself enough to stand up for you, and pray constantly!!!! 

Happy 30th Birthday to myself!!!! 

I can't believe I'm here, but let's go!!!! 

Life is about the journey with the little moments that shape who we become along the way and learning to enjoy every day we are blessed with and knowing that it's happened for a reason! 

 

You Just Can't Compare!

In the past week I have basically had the same conversation with two of my friends, my BFF and my new friend Anita.  Don't ask me why I keep calling her my new friend Anita...but I, for some reason, can't just call her Anita....she's my new friend Anita.  Odd I know!  She'll get used to it! 

So anyways, the conversation we had was about how different our bodies are.  We have all been trying to lose weight and I know for me it is absolutely weird, strange, unexplainable, and awesome all at the same time how my body has changed from years ago when I was skinnier...like 30-40lbs lighter from where I am today...and I'm wearing the same size I did then.  Yeah, right now I'm in between a 14/16.  The 14s are snug because I ate junk for 3 months and did no running at all but 16s are too loose but fit better than the 14s. 

I honestly can't remember the last time I was a size 14 but I know it was back in college.  And I was skinnier then!  How nutso is that??

Does that even make sense??? 

That's how much different my body is now.  That's how now I swear by exercise.  Pushing our body hard and sweating regularly! 

That's why I think just dieting itself isn't going to be enough, EVER.  You gotta do them both at the same time. 

Things have shifted and moved and toned etc....it's weird!  I mean how is that possible that I can wear a 14 now and 4 or 5 years ago when I was the same weight...I couldn't wear a 14?!? 

It's all because I started walking/running regularly.  I do strength training now too.  Which that in itself is pretty amazing.  You wanna make running easier??  Strength train!  This summer when I was doing the 30 Day Shred consistently and running here and there....one time at band camp...errr I mean one time while out on a run with Miss H while she was on her bike....for the first time EVER running felt EASY and it was because I had been working my legs and lifting weights.  I couldn't believe it, it almost felt like I was in someone else's body because it surely couldn't be mine! 

So I'm not really sure what the message or point even of this post is...but I guess it's to not think your body can't change significantly even if you weight doesn't as fast as you want it to.  Heck give me 20 more lbs off and I'll be in a 12 for sure and THAT hasn't happened since my early college days/senior year of high school!  

Plus don't compare yourself to someone else who you think is smaller....YOU might actually be in a smaller size then them but weigh more!  It just goes to show it's not about your numbers...it's about how YOU FEEL!!! 

So put on your best sexy face and make yourself feel good!!!!

too much???  no??  Kinda scary??  I figured!  err!!  :) 

#MomFail

So yesterday Miss H jumps in the car after I pick her up and she's all excited because she got her pictures back.

I'm immediately in panic mode...what pictures??

Miss H...you know mom...the ones you forgot about!!

opps...my bad

Didn't turn out too terrible though for us completely forgetting it was picture day. 

She may blend in with the background but at least her hair is combed and she's got a cute smile. 

RIGHT??? 

Oh well...memories people...it's all about memories!!

Also yesterday I did 2, yes TWO, workouts yesterday. 

I ran/walked while Miss H was at tumbling and then after dinner I did the 30 day shred. 

BOOM!!!

I am loving the scale this week too...I'll report on that Friday or Monday...which ever day I'm not feeling lazy!  <--- ha I'm funny!   (no you're not)

Messages from the Toliet Make my Heart Smile!!!

First things first...Miss H has been doing the cutest thing lately of grabbing my phone and taking pictures of herself or leaving me a video message.  It is the BEST surprise I get when I look back at the pictures on my phone and realize she left me a surprise.  My relationship with her has truly started to bloom lately.  I'm not sure what has happened but it's like she's finally opening up to me and talking to me about stuff and I love it!  This is something that I have always struggled to get her to do with me.  I want her to talk to me about anything and the fact that it's already forming makes my heart smile. 

Picture I found from Saturday this past weekend. 

 Her most recent video...yes she's on the toilet leaving me this message too  :)

This also happened this weekend.  Sunday morning while Miss H was at religion class I was going to head out for a walk.  Didn't plan on running just because it's still pretty painful to just walk a fast pace and I'm trying to slowly working my way back up and NOT get injured this time.  After walking a mile I was like, screw this I'm running even if I just run a block and then walk a block, I want to make this workout worth my while.  Mind you I had on a sweatshirt and my glasses on.  Obviously I wasn't planning on running!! 

It was tough but it was doable.  I was freaking hot with the sweatshirt on and we all know I don't like to be hot when I run!  Towards the end I wasn't walking at all, just running a nice slow and even pace and it felt so good!!!  I was shocked to see how many calories I burned!  And the weather was awesome.  Spring is here in Ohio and I couldn't be more happy about it.  Bring on the Spring/Summer runs!!!  I am ready!!!

30th Birthday Cake *Challenge*

So....my 30th birthday is coming up towards the end of this month. 

Am I freaking out about turning the big 3-0??

Hell to the NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I honestly can't wait to turn 30. 

Call me crazy. 

*YOU'RE CRAZY!*

ouch

In all seriousness, I'm serious when I say I'm seriously ready to turn 30...seriously!

hahaha  did that get on your nerves?? 

*like seriously*

FOCUS SARAH FOCUS!

I cannot wait to turn 30.  My 20s have pretty much sucked, I've gotten my monies worth out of them and it's time to say SIANARA!  (<--- is that how you spell that??)

I'll write about that in another post but my BFF texted me early this morning with a new idea!

And I'm allll about it. 

One thing me and my BFF share, is our love for cake!  So it's perfect for us. 

Put cake in front of us and tell us what we gotta do to get it and you bet we are gonna do it! 

So bring on the cake challenge!!!!!

Phone Dump

Here's the latest and greatest photos from my phone lately...enjoy!

Fruit Pizza....I used to be afraid to make this (why I don't know) and now I make it all the time. 

My loves. 
That little guy is the stingiest littl man with his kisses but every now and then I get lucky and he blesses his Aunt Sarah with a big ole' wet one! 

Love my scarf I bought a month or so ago...it screams spring to me!

healthy snack...getting back at it!

1 Year Anniversary

This week marks my 1 year anniversary of my weight loss journey.  I realize towards the end of March that it was almost a year, which I can't believe, and I was sad. 

Taking a few months off from running and letting my emotions getting the best of me brought back some of my old eating habits and guess what....I gained 13 lbs! 

I can't even tell you how mad I am at myself.  I'm mad and I'm disappointed for several reasons.

I let my running get away from me and now it's a struggle to run half mile.  My shins hurt again, my feet kill me, and my lungs burn.  I forgot how much it sucked in the beginning when I started out.  I used to be able to make it all the way through Jillian Michael's level 1 of the 30 day shred without having to take a break...now I have to take a couple of 5 sec breaks to rest. 

The weight gain bothers me...but to see how weak I am right now is probably more upsetting but it's also encouraging.  I was once there and STRONG and I didn't realize how strong I was at the time but man I really was!  But I'll get there again. 

I'm back on it again and determined to do better this next year.  I'm back to counting calories and working out daily.  I am SO SORE today it kills to sit down into my chair.  Which really isn't a sit it's more like I fall into my chair I'm so sore.  ha!  But it feels good!  I feel like I'm back in control of doing something different with my body. 

And even though I may have gained some weight....I'm still A LOT better than what I was a year ago at this time.  I'm ahead of the game from a year ago and I just gotta keep going. 

That's the difference now I believe....I'm not quitting.  I'm not letting myself settle even though I did for a few months.  Just last fall I was able to run 5 miles...I can and WILL do it again.  Watch me! 

No one ever said it was going to be easy...and that's ok.  I'm not going to make this sound like it's super easy cause it's not...it takes a lot of determination and not wanting to quit. 

I am so incredibly bloated in this picture I hate this but whatever!  This dress/sweater will be the oufit I try on periodically to see how I'm doing. 

Here's to another year!!!